John's Past
by odalys-ortiz
Summary: The third in the Plot Holes series. Joss is debating on how to give back the picture of John and Jessica that she got in New Rochelle.


Disclaimer: Not mine. Screw CBS and the EPs for their dumb move three months later. Enjoy.

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John's Past

Joss's fingers grazed the now dulling picture that she held in her hands. Her eyes focused on the two occupants who were obviously enjoying their time together, one of them a soldier who would eventually put his duty for his country ahead of the woman sitting next to him, as much as it broke his heart. Joss knew that the young woman sitting so close to him could have never predicted how her life would turn out. There would have been no way that she could have foreseen the soldier rushing off to fight, leaving her with a man who would - in the end - murder her and try to hide his crime.

The story of John and Jessica was something that Joss thought about from time to time. Coming back from New Rochelle with only the picture in hand, her mind would wander as she gazed at it. Joss thought about how different John would have been if Jessica was alive today. Would he be happily married with her in New Rochelle? John would have made an excellent husband in Joss's opinion; once his heart belonged to someone, he would never look at anyone else. John was a passionate person. That's why she was surprised at how reluctant he was when he first started his career in vigilantism. One time when they spoke over coffee, he briefly mentioned how Finch tied him up so that he would accept his current job when she asked how he got started in his work. John showed passion in his work, doing his damnest to protect complete strangers from harm. Joss was a witness to it firsthand when she was called in to help with a case.

Joss chuckled at the thought while standing here in her bedroom after coming home from a late night patrol. John was so reluctant to help some stranger when his new life began, but now he stopped at nothing until the situation was resolved. Joss witnessed the changes from the man he used to be to whom he had now become. The emotional growth was something to behold because John was a person who rarely expressed anything verbally.

Gazing at the picture of him and Jessica again, Joss was thankful that she had been the one to find the broken man. She saw the changes in John as he grew back into the man he used to be. The depressed, suicidal person may have been continuing to eat away at him on the inside. John was sure to not give any personal distress away. John could be the man that Jessica found herself falling in love with. Whether she like it or not, Joss was finding herself becoming victim to that as well.

When John found out about Elias, Joss had thought he would push her away for keeping a secret like that from him, even though he had plenty of his own. He didn't overreact as much as she had expected. Instead of arguing or getting upset, John just asked her back to his apartment and they talked. Joss could have just left but he had surprised her by asking her to stay. She didn't hesitate in saying yes, spending the night with him.

Joss went over to the bed and sat down, the mattress creaking under her weight. Even though her body was tired, Joss couldn't really sleep. Her mind was also occupied with her next move when it came to HR. It was just another thing that she hid from him. Focusing on his smile, it infected her as she allowed a small smile to reach her lips. John had her feeling things that she hadn't felt since Paul was on duty. Her stomach clenched a bit whenever he smirked at her and her mind would disintegrate momentarily when she looked into his cerulean eyes. Joss reprimanded herself for acting like a high school girl drooling over her first crush. She had to admit though that it was nice to feel so young and alive.

Sure the guy had a gorgeous face and body with a voice as smooth as silk; but there was nothing more to it than a physical reaction. It wasn't like Joss had grown to care about him. Or at least that's what she thought until she lightly touched the picture again. In the next instant, Joss let out a huge sigh before throwing her upper body on the bed, letting the picture drift out of her hands. "Who the hell am I fooling?" She said to no one in particular.

There was no denying that she felt something for him. Joss's hand searched for the picture before bringing it into view one more time. There were so many possibilities and paths that their lives could have taken. Somehow though, John came crashing into her life and she never regretted a single day of it. Even when she was angry or tired of him, she still kept coming back. Joss realized back when they first formally met after he became the Man in the Suit that she didn't wanted to be alone anymore. He promised her that he would be there, and through thick and thin, he had come back.

A small creak brought her out of her thoughts. Realizing that it was the front door opening, instead of going for her service weapon, Joss just stood up. Before confronting the intruder however, she slipped the photo into the dresser drawer. Opening her bedroom door, Joss went right to her living room where she knew he would be. "Don't you ever knock? You know what, scratch that. I already know the answer."

John gave her a warm smile as he stood there in his 'uniform' that consisted of a black, long coat that covered his trademark suit and slacks. "Well it's not like I'm breaking in since I do know you. Who would be crazy enough to just walk right into a police officer's house?"

"You!" She pointed out, causing both of them to laugh. "Anyways, what brings you here in the dead of night? Need help with your case?" Joss was doing her best to look anywhere else but at him. His mere presence started stirring up the earlier feelings. To aid in the distraction, she took John's coat and hung it on the hook next to the door.

"Actually I came to see how your shift went. I noticed that you had been home for a bit now and hadn't gone to sleep" he said straight to the point like he always did.

Joss sighed a bit, giving up on even trying to talk to him about those boundaries that he always seems to ignore. "Everything is fine John. I'm fine, really" she reassured as she saw the skepticism on his face. She went and sat on the couch while he continued to stand there, watching her.

John fired off his next question. "What about Elias?"

The guy just wouldn't quit. Joss was beginning to wonder what was really going on. John hadn't acted like this for a while. He was so…worried about her and it warmed her heart. Joss rolled her eyes to not give anything away. "He's been well behaved. Elias is still sitting with his guys. The guy's got his favorite food and drinks so he won't be bugging me until he needs something." Joss felt that this conversation wasn't meant to be about her. John had something else on his mind. "That isn't why you came here is it?" She asked.

"Partially" John explained. His hands then went into the pockets of his slacks as he continued. "When I went back to my apartment, I tried to get some sleep. After tossing and turning for about an hour, I headed back on the street and found myself coming here. I was just thinking about Jessica again." John's mind traveled down those memories again.

There was no holding back the stunned look on Joss's face. He came here to talk to her about the thing that had changed his life when only a few minutes ago, she had kept a piece of him in a drawer. She wanted to hear him out though before thinking of her next move. "You still think about her, blaming yourself John?" He was his own harshest critic.

John shook his head. "It's not that. Joss, last year when Finch went missing again, I found out something that explained a few things. In the end, I found myself being able to finally push past the pain and to at least try to put that guilt behind me."

Joss smiled as she heard this. She knew first hand what guilt could make you do. Her guilt over Cal's death pushed her to go against HR. "So then that explains what's been going on with you in the last couple of months. This is good news indeed. Want a beer to celebrate?" She made a move to head to the kitchen with she was stopped by him. "What is it?" Her voice became softer as she waited for his next move.

"Even if I wasn't responsible for what happened, I still wondered how things would have been different if I hadn't left her behind." John then took a step closer. "You've been in New Rochelle, met her mother. They are good people who are needed in this society. Even if I had been able to rescue her, I was too far gone with the CIA to ever deserve anything like that. I've killed so many people."

In the pause, Joss stood up to look at him while her hands rested on her hips. "You are going to harp on that again? I swear John sometimes you're an idiot." This brought a chuckle from him. "It's not like everything is set in stone. You had your reasons and you were deceived. It was an honest mistake. She would have understood. Jessica was willing to wait for you right?" Her hands dropped when she realized the opportunity presented before her. Without a word, she turned and headed back towards her bedroom.

John watched as Joss left without saying anything before coming back with her hands tucked behind her back. He raised an eyebrow in suspicion. "What is that?" John pointed towards her.

Instead of answering, Joss laid the old photo flat against the coffee table towards him to see. "Do you really think that Jessica would have just let you dissolve into nothing if you whisked her away?"

In disbelief, John's hands twitched with wanting to touch the old memory. "Where did you get this?"

"Jessica's mother gave it to me while Donnelly and I were investigating you. She said some good things about you, how you were more concerned with her life because being a soldier meant you wouldn't be around. Jessica still waited for you. She cared about you even after she got married." Joss reached over for the picture, then his hand. Noticing John's reluctance to take the picture, she slid it in his palm. "People change John" she said warmly while taking a step back. Joss felt anxious, wondering how John would take the news that she had been hiding this from him all this time. Secrets between them could be taken the wrong way. John could just walk out right now, refusing to associate with her again. Joss pushed her luck with Elias, but this was something that was deeply personal for John as he had struggled for the past two years to reclaim the man he had been.

His eyes stared for what seemed like an eternity at the photo. John remembered the moment fondly. He had been forced to get rid of any personal belongs when he joined the CIA: there was no need to reminisce in the field. "I never thought that I would see this again." Noticing the confused look on her face, John explained further. "When Jess and I took this picture, they gave us each a copy. I had to get rid of mine. I'm…" John hesitated for a moment. "I'm a little surprised that she kept hers this long."

"Well you don't give that girl enough credit." Joss needed to relieve the tension already. "Now I'm going to head to the kitchen and get you that beer." Before doing that, Joss walked up to him. Placing a friendly hand on his upper arm, she smiled at him which John gratefully returned because words had completely escaped him. Joss then left for the kitchen.

The photo continued to look up at him. John wasn't a man that liked to show his emotions. He was taught that it was a weakness that wasn't needed for a mission. How could you be an efficient killer when your stomach churned at the sight of a dead body? Jessica was still on his mind, even as he gave his soul over to the darkness. Even trying to protect her by pushing her away, Jessica still murdered by someone she thought he could trust. Peter continued to rot in the Mexican prison, possibly making friends with Jennings. Those two guys had something in common. Thinking about it all, John then looked over towards the kitchen where he heard the clinking of glass.

He leaned forward a bit, letting the picture slide back on the table. John then made his way to the woman that he now saw in a new light. Peeking around the corner, Joss's back was to him, her hair slipping out of the lazy ponytail she had. John held a his breath as Joss stretched up to a cabinet. Her back arched a bit and John felt the urge to run his fingers over her muscles and luscious curves. John's eyes caught something out of place that surprised him. John never would have figured that his no nonsense Detective would have had a tattoo. The peach tank top that Joss was wearing rose up slightly, revealing the small bit of ink on her lower back. John wanted so much to see more of the design.

Joss was still here with him. John realized moments ago that things had changed quite a bit since his time with the CIA. Even though he reeked of danger and death, Joss never turned her back on him in fear. In fact, she stood toe to toe with him in arguments and banter that allowed him to feel somewhat normal. John saw that her short stature didn't make it easy for Joss to get what looked to be a glass on a high cabinet.

Shaking his head in amusement, John moved closer just as her index finger found what it was looking for. John moved quickly as the glass flew away from her and she let out a curse. Thankfully, John was able to make the save mere centimeters before the glass hit the floor. "Oh jeez thanks." She said gratefully when John stood up straight and handed her the cup. "I swear I need to have Taylor move those cups further down. Lil old me can't reach way up there."

John laughed at the comment, noticing the smile again that she gave him. "Is he out with friends?"

"Yup, he's got his own life too. Besides, I don't really want things to get hairy while he's around." Joss put the two glasses on the island counter before opening the fridge and getting a large beer bottle to join them. "So I'm guessing that you aren't mad at me for keeping that picture from you?" Joss poured a generous amount in each of their glasses before sliding John his.

There was a sip taken before he spoke up. "I was more surprised than anything. Haven't thought about this in a few months. Thank you though for keeping it from Donnelly. You did quite a bit to protect me last year. That picture could have caused a bit of trouble for you." The two of them maneuvered around the island until they were practically hip to hip downing their drinks.

"Jessica loved you until the very end. Just have comfort in knowing that she never did forget about you John." Her glass was half empty when Joss put it behind her. "She would want you to move on. After all, I'm sure that there is someone else out there for you whose heart you could steal." She said confidently.

There was a short pause before John spoke. "I still have you Joss" he said softly before downing the rest of his drink in an effort to dull his nerves. Out of all the reactions he expected, her chuckle was the last thing he expected.

"Yeah, sure John. I was the cop that was trying to arrest you for the better part of half a year and then got you shot after you saved my life. I'm not really a person that you should be associating with. It would be bad for your health." Her heart pounded faster when he spoke those words to her. The chuckle was the first thing that came to her mind because Joss wanted to hide the fact that what he just told her warmed her heart. "Besides, women are always hanging off of you so I'm sure you have some sort of company."

A moment of silence passed between them before John began to explain. "Some women are just a bit too aggressive for my liking. If they knew the truth about me, I'm sure that they would have turned tail and ran away screaming. Jessica was before I became the monster the CIA wanted. They should all be afraid except for you. The first time we met, all you wanted to do was help me. I was lost for so long and wanted nothing more than to deteriorate into nothing."

"And then you turn it around on me and started the games, all the stalking and phones. You sure know how to make a girl feel special John." Joss joked.

"It was all I really knew how to do. Jessica was gone which took away the good part of me too. I couldn't remember the last time I had fun." The topic of Jessica should have been a distant memory after last year, but John knew that he had been fooling himself when he told Harold that he had accepted that the events leading up to her death wasn't Harold's fault. Joss was the only other person that he wanted to talk to about this. She had been to New Rochelle and met Jessica's mother. Joss learned part of his deep dark secret before treading the abyss.

"People are funny. Some try to be your best friend only to turn you in at the drop of a dime while a criminal makes your most trusted ally." Joss was speaking from her experiences with HR. She then crossed her hands over her chest. "You guys taught me that the world isn't just all black and white, that there was more to be seen in the gray. It's funny because you had allowed me to look you up. Did you know that I would just start chasing you when I found out the truth?"

"I was hoping for it." John had to hold back the laugh as Joss gave him an evil glare. "Well you seemed like the kind of no nonsense cop that was ready to take me down. If I recall correctly, you've done your fair bit of stalking Detective."

The glare changed to her rolling her eyes. "That's was one time through the walkie talkie so I don't consider that stalking. I was just trying to see if maybe you would turn yourself in, alright?"

"Such a tempting offer, especially by such a beautiful Detective but I had to refuse. The cat and mouse game was too much fun to pass up." John put his now empty glass behind him while Joss continued to look ahead of her with what he thought was a small blush on her cheeks. Surely she wasn't embarrassed by the comment. Joss's beauty was unmatched by women John encountered in his new life. Was he willing to risk it all to possibly tell her how he felt?

Joss released her hair from it's ponytail and it now laid flatly on her right shoulder. "Well you are doing well for yourself so far John." Her fingers threaded through the dark strands. "You survived gunshots, the CIA, the FBI, prison, and the usual bad guy. You must be doing something right with this. Don't throw it all away, alright?"

John wanted to tell her as long as she stood by his side, he would never even think about doing such a thing. Helping all of those numbers gave him a purpose but John really just wanted to be a good man like she told Donnelly he was. Joss had seen him at his worst back when they first met. He only hoped that she was happy that he had stayed strong this long. "No way, the pension plan is too good to pass up."

"Hey, a cop's salary isn't exactly a luxury you know." Joss couldn't forget about her mission against HR. Being demoted to beat cop was a constant reminder of that.

"I could ask Finch if you want a little bit of compensation for all of your help. He wouldn't mind, I'm sure." John was so relaxed around her. The banter between them seemed to ease whatever tension was in the room.

Joss shook her head. "As much as I appreciate it, I'm sure that the department is just looking for another excuse to screw with me. Don't need to give them one." The exasperated sigh escaped before she even noticed. It had been a hectic couple of weeks. Now she had a rookie that would be her inside man. It was only a matter of time before she got the information she really needed on the leader.

John's hand inched over slightly until his fingers barely touched the ones that were gripping the table. "Everything will be alright. Just stay strong like you've always been Joss."

"Is that why you came here tonight John?" She asked out of concern. "Did you forget how to stay strong yourself?"

His resolve had indeed been strengthen more once he came here. "I had been told emotions are weakness. Jessica's death took my soul and I felt like the only way I could be strong was to just shut everything away. You manage to keep pushing forward despite what happened and I really admire you for that Joss. I feel like I'm stronger when I am with you and I don't have to be some emotionless puppet anymore."

Joss then tenderly placed her head on his bicep. "Don't you forget that." She warned him in a soft voice. Something always felt so right about the two of them just talking like this. It was nice to not have anyone hovering over them, trying to eavesdrop on them. The both of them were allowed to let their guard down with each other. Neither one would judge the other tomorrow.

Soon enough, John's hand reached up to his ear, obviously answering his phone. Joss sighed as she listened in on John's end of the conversation. "No problem Finch. I'll get started right away." He ended the call quickly. "Guess that's my cue to go." As much as he didn't want to, duty called.

"I figured as much. You gonna need some help in the morning?" Joss didn't want to move from her deliciously comfortable position.

John looked down at her, smiling slightly at the way she laid her head against him. "Well Finch gave me an address and a name. If we need a thorough background check, we know who to call." He made a move to get his coat but was stopped by her grip on his arm tightening.

"If you ever need to talk John, you know where to find me. Okay?" She figured that John still kept his surveillance on her. They had discussed it before and she allowed him to continue it with some boundaries like the bedroom and bathroom.

"Yeah, I do. Thanks for the drink." He finally separated himself from her. Before turning towards the living room, John surprised her by pressing a large hand to her cheek. Joss could see the subtle bobbing of his adam's apple. "I'm so glad that I still have you Joss" he said as his voice dropped to a whisper. Joss was entranced by his eyes which were the bluest she had ever seen them. "I'll see you later." Joss fought against the sadness in her heart as John pulled away.

He was missing the contact between them but John knew that if he didn't stop now, he might have done something he would regret. Looking back at Joss, he turned away finally but not before giving her another smile.

Joss just listened to his footsteps fade away after he closed her door. Her heart finally began to slow down and she was able to move from her position. She cleaned up the glasses and put them back in the cabinet, making sure that she could actually reach them this time. Drying her hands with a wash cloth, Joss walked back into the living and noticed something familiar on the table.

As she walked over,her lips tugged into a smile and she picked up the photo by a corner. By leaving it here, Joss understood that John was telling the truth. He was finally moving on from such a traumatic event. That would explain what had happened between them moments ago and Joss truly hoped that it wouldn't be the last time for it.

Going back to the kitchen to drop the wash towel into the sink, Joss grabbed the photo and put it safely in a nearby drawer in case John ever changed his mind and wanted it back. Feeling tired, Joss decided to get some sleep, understanding that tomorrow was going to be another busy day.

She wouldn't forget John's touch or how he opened up to her tonight, hoping that it was some sort of promise for the future.

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A/N: Thanks SWWoman for the help. I'm sorry that you had to read through that draft but I appreciate the critique. I hope that this did the subject of the picture some good.


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